newborn challenges

Top 10 ways to survive the first few weeks

A friend of mine just had a beautiful baby girl! Natural birth. 9 pounds, 3 ounces. Yowza! My friend is one bad ass motha….!

Even though it’s only been 10 months since Baby E was born, I actually forgot how hard the first couple weeks are. I recall other moms noting this when Baby E was just weeks old. I remember thinking, “really? you forget? how on earth can you forget the painful breastfeeding sessions or the excruciating sleep deprivation?” But, alas, it’s true; you do forget. How? Evolution, my friends! Humans have been programmed to undergo selective memory loss during this time, so that new offspring can be conceived and brought into this world.

Anyhow, with my amazing friend in mind, here are 10 ways that helped me survive the first few weeks!

1) If you’ve decided to breastfeed, see a lactation consultant sooner than later. Even if you’re a breastfeeding prodigy, accept the fact that breastfeeding is hard work. Whether it’s the pain, the fatigue, or baby being fussy, breastfeeding is not always unicorns and rainbows. A certified lactation consultant can provide you with valuable information on proper latch techniques, different ways to position baby, and solutions to common issues like engorgement, over/under production, or nipple pain. Above all, seeing a lactation consultant will give you a much needed confidence boost in knowing you aren’t doing it totally wrong.

2) Get comfortable breastfeeding gear. Breastfeeding does a real number on your lower back due to all the hunching. Having adequate breastfeeding equipment can make a huge difference in your overall comfort. These were some of my major lifesavers: My Brest Friend breastfeeding pillow (I highly recommend this one versus the Boppy pillow), a nice hefty pillow to put behind your back (the key is to be upright as possible), an adjustable step stool, and nipple cream (Earth Mama Angel Baby was my fave).

3) Bottle feed when you need a break. As previously stated, breastfeeding is tough. Your nipples are being pulled and manipulated in ways that you never thought possible. That said, it’s okay to close up shop from time to time. Warm up a bottle of expressed milk or formula and let dad, partner or a friend feed the baby. And while they’re is doing that, take a moment for yourself and do whatever your heart desires! Sleep, take a shower, manicure – whatever. Do it!

And on that note, if you feel as though formula is the better option for your baby – do that! There are many different varieties of formulas available — all of which perfectly fit the needs of growing newborns.

4) Don’t be afraid to tell your friends what to do. You’ll hear over and over again, “let me know if you need help with anything?” And over and over again most new moms will say, “thanks. I will,” but they don’t! I was guilty of this, but in retrospect I wish I wasn’t. If a friend is asking you this quesiton with sincerity, there is no shame in simply accepting their offer. Ask them to come over and vacuum, clean the house, make a simple meal, get you some groceries, etc.

….And, if they weren’t being genuine, joke’s on them – muahahahaha!

5) Rely heavily on delivery services. Now is not the time to be “mom of the year.” The first couple of weeks is all about short cuts. Take advantages of the many services out there like:

  • Meal delivery: Munchery (used this about 3 times a week!), Spring, Spoonrocket,
  • Grocery delivery: Safeway.com, Instacart (ummmm, used daily!), Google Shopping Express, Amazon Fresh
  • Food delivery: Seamless, Postmates, Grubhub, Caviar
  • Cleaning service: Homejoy (seriously, god send!)

* Not all of these services may be available in your area. I was lucky enough to have had Baby E in San Francisco – the land of internet start ups! No, really, there IS an app for that! 

6) Don’t stress out about not “sleeping when baby sleeps.” I got this tip so many times from people, and each time it made me want to scream! I’m one of those people who just can’t fall asleep at a drop of a hat – no matter how tired I am. Rather than have a rejuvenating slumber, I would just lay there thinking I should be sleeping. And it would stress me out! So, instead, I give you this tip: do whatever relaxes you the most while baby is sleeping!

7) Get help, but not from a friend. As tip #4 reminds us, it’s not easy to accept help from friends. You don’t want to be a bother, I get it. So, take out the emotions and just hire help if needed.

Baby E was a super colicky and the first couple weeks were probably one of the hardest experiences that my husband and I ever faced. Rather than take friends up on their offer to watch Baby E for a couple of hours while we got rest, we decided to hire a night doula/nurse. Best decision ever. Even if it was just for a night or two, it gave us the respite we desperately needed — without the guilt or worry that we were imposing on friends or family. Double win!

8) If you’re sad, be sad, but get the help/support you need. Don’t ever be ashamed of feeling low, sad or depressed after having a baby. Postpartum blues are real and super common, but it’s critical that you seek the help or support that you need.

I definitely felt the “baby blues” soon after having Baby E and sought the support of a therapist to talk out my concerns, anxieties and feelings. Just saying my feelings out loud made a huge difference in stabilizing my emotions during the super stressful time of new motherhood. Be kind, good, and honest to yourself.

9) Join a mommy group. There’s just something undeniably comforting about knowing that you’re not crazy! For real though; it’s so nice to know that someone else is going through the exact same hellish sleep deprivation as you, or that sudden outbursts of tears are totally normal, or that it’s completely okay to feel like you have no idea what that hell you are doing.

Joining a weekly mother’s group was truly the best thing I could have done for myself and Baby E. The mother’s group I joined (CPMC’s Newborn Connection’s mother’s group) became my weekly “sanctuary” where I was – without judgement – able to vent about my husband (marriage quarrels happen to the strongest of couples), cry about how exhausted I was feeling, celebrate a new milestone that Baby E was exhibiting, or learn a pretty amazing tip on how to get baby to sleep. Without a doubt, my mother’s group helped get me through the toughest times of the newborn phase.

There are many local mother’s groups out there, but they tend to differ on style/vibe, so just make sure that it’s the right fit for you.

10) Say out loud “Things will get easier.” And repeat. This is exactly what I said to my friend last night, who was having a particular hard night with her newborn. I told her that things will just get easier. It really does.

 

Breastfeeding and its challenges: My story

Here’s another thing they don’t tell you while you’re pregnant – breastfeeding is not really that intuitive and it’s really hard to get the hang of. This hidden truth is sneaky because just about every new mom I know with a two to four-week old baby says the same thing. If so many new moms struggle with it, why don’t we talk about the challenges more ahead of time?

I found breastfeeding to be a challenge from the very beginning. Specifically, Baby E didn’t have a strong latch (and I didn’t produce milk until about day 3 or so). I’ll never forget the moment when the doctor at the hospital told me that Baby E was starving and her mouth was “bone dry,” a sign that she wasn’t getting enough milk. My heart sank. Two days in and I’m already starving my child. Worse was the realization that I was failing at the one thing that was required of me. My failure was made concrete by the fact that her birth weight dropped by 11% (it’s normal for newborns to lose up to 10%). I cried…and I cried some more. Shortly after the tears subsided, I had one of those moments that I imagine a losing boxer would have inside the ring with their coach. My coach, my husband, told me not to accept defeat, but to figure out a strategy and put on my proverbial boxing gloves (aka nursing bra), so we can win this breastfeeding fight!

First thing, I opted to supplement Baby E with formula. I have no issue with formula. It’s a wonderful alternative to breast milk, and it makes me furious when people judge – but that’s an entirely different topic. Second, I immediately made appointments with the hospital’s lactation consultants (LC) to learn proper latch and feeding techniques. I wish I could sit here and say that seeing a LC at this point made all the issues go away. It didn’t. I did everything they told me to do, but it just didn’t come easy. Was her mouth too small? Was something wrong with her? Was something wrong with me? Was her lip or tongue tied (they said no, but I’m pretty sure she has an upper lip tie)? Seriously, you’d think by now “survival of the fittest” would have evolved the human species enough to not have these issues at birth.

I’m going to do a major fast forward here so I can tell you how I came to my current situation. In short, Baby E’s latch never improved. I just improvised. I would seriously shove my boob in her mouth, stretch her lips open, and squeeze milk into her mouth until she formed a sufficient latch. Breastfeeding was like the albatross around my neck, but at some point “my way” became the normal. Despite a bad latch, she did get much better at breastfeeding, but each feed was stressful. She was also growing and gaining weight beautifully even impressing her pediatrician, so I thought we were in good shape.

Around 3 months or so, Baby E started becoming more alert and more easily distracted. She’d be on the boob for about 2 mins before latching off. She would cry bloody murder when I tried to latch her back on. I did a weigh-feed-weigh to see exactly how much she was getting within 2 mins. She was only getting an ounce to an once-and-half. I broke down crying when I realized this. Knife to the heart. I noticed that her growth slowed down a bit as well. Knife digging deeper into the heart. She clearly needed more milk to sustain her growth as she was getting bigger. Earlier she was probably getting enough milk with a shorter than average breastfeeding session; but now, it clearly wasn’t cutting it.

I saw numerous LCs and Baby E would either breastfeed like a champ in front of them (clearly, the “aim to please gene” didn’t skip this generation) or the LC would tell me that it was perfectly normal for a 3-month baby to nurse for just 2 mins; and that I should “feed on demand” more often. I’m going to be totally honest now: I just didn’t want to “feed on demand.” I didn’t want to be a prisoner to breastfeeding. I know many new moms who don’t mind this, but it just wasn’t realistic for me. If she was feeding 2 mins per feed, getting an ounce each time, I would have to feed her about 24 times a freaking day! Not to mention, she went back to becoming miserable on the boob, likely due to reflux. It wasn’t a pleasant experience for either of us. So, I decided it was time to pump and bottle feed. I came to the realization that knowing she was getting a full/healthy feed with the bottle was more important than the act of breastfeeding.

For the first couple of weeks of bottle feeding, I still struggled with it emotionally. I felt like a failed. I was also paranoid that I wasn’t getting the maximum amount of bonding, so I breastfed for the first morning feed (when she typically breastfeeds okay) for however long she’d stay latched, and then supplement with a bottle of breast milk. I honestly don’t think it makes a difference at all whether you breastfeed or bottle feed from a “bonding” perspective, but whatever, I did it to “calm my nerves” and it worked for me.

Fast forward another five month to today…I have a very healthy breastmilk-bottle fed baby who is happy and thriving, with no signs of suffering a shortage of breastfeeding-bonding experience. As an added bonus, I saw a profound improvement on her sleeping (slept through the night by three months) and reflux issues. Oh yeah, most importantly, I was happier and didn’t feel the weight of anxiety that came with breastfeeding.
Like everyone says, you know in the end everything will be just fine regardless of what you do – whether it be bottle feeding vs. breastfeeding or breast milk vs. formula. It’s a shame that mothers have to feel disappointment because they have to use the bottle (or formula).

Bottom line: Happy mom = happy baby [drops mic]

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